As Long As I Have Breath

I didn't always know God. I knew things about God, but didn't know Him. And to be honest, I didn't always know there was a difference.

As a little girl, I remember lying in bed wondering if God saw me or if he heard my prayers. When I was by myself, my mind would race with questions. Does God have a plan for me?  Does He see that I am afraid? Does He care? Does He see that I'm sad? Does He have all the answers?  I wondered if he liked to hear me talk as much as I enjoyed talking! As a family, we didn't go to church much. I learned bits and pieces about God, but it wasn't something that was emphasized. My desire to know God wasn't something I was taught. I believe God began drawing me to himself as a little girl.

He placed people in my life to show me His love and care for me. He gave me family and friends who taught me and encouraged me along the way, but looking back over my life I can see the ways He whispered to my heart in my most quiet moments. He put the spark there for me to receive the things He wanted me to learn. It was always between me and Him. He didn't just want me to know about Him. He wanted me to know Him and have a personal relationship with Him. He was the only one who could open my eyes to see.

three year old me.

 As young as four, I would talk to God as I fell asleep each night.

When I was seven, I remember being in my room alone and listening to a tape of Bible songs over and over again. I don't know where it came from, but I loved dancing and memorizing all the words. Now, I can see how my mind was being filled with God's truth and I didn't even know it.

At ten, I remember thinking that God must be our only hope. Somehow I knew he was bigger than what was going on in my life.  I wouldn't fall asleep without diligently sharing all of my biggest concerns with him.

My 10 year old birthday party. Check out those glasses! :)

Eleven, I remember being at my best friend's house for a sleepover. I was so concerned that God wouldn't be able to hear my prayers if I didn't say them out loud. The fear in that moment was so real, that I asked my friend, Catherine, if she thought God would hear me if I said the prayers in my head. She assured me he could hear me even if I never said a word of it out loud. I sensed such a deep need then to be connected to Him.

One night when I was twelve, I remember not being able to fall asleep because I was gripped with fear about what would happen to me when I died. My mom came in and did her best to comfort me, but the answer didn't really come that night.  I believe God was stirring my heart for the answers that only His truth can satisfy. I eventually got to sleep, but not before crying out to God for some peace. I asked Him for answers.

When I was fifteen, one of my closest friends invited me to a church youth group she had been visiting. Without knowing what to expect, I was eager to check it out. I made new friends quickly and loved spending Thursday nights with them. At first, I thought I was just like them. I loved God. I had talked to Him my whole life. I wanted to be there. You see, the pastor shared often about Jesus. But one night, I heard him LOUD AND CLEAR. While I knew that Jesus had died on the cross for our sins, I saw for the first time that Jesus died on the cross for my sin and that I needed a savior. I realized that putting my complete trust in Jesus was the only way to know God. It was the answer I had been waiting for. The only way to have the personal, intimate relationship with God that I had been longing for my whole life was to recognize my own sin and my need for Jesus to forgive me.

Up until that point, I didn't think I was that bad. Though I had been aware of and sensitive to God for as long as I can remember, I was content doing my own thing. I would still call out to God in my time of need, but was going my own way with the wrong priorities. I was trying to be a good person, but my life was defined by trying to please and impress people.  For the first time that night, I saw the difference between knowing about God and truly knowing Him. He had been whispering to my heart for years and that night I responded with my whole life.

I agreed with God that I am sinful and I didn't want to live that way anymore. I trusted that God would forgive my sins completely because Jesus died for me. And I chose to follow Jesus and put Him first in my life. In that moment, my life changed forever.

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when this verse popped up.

(Check out the Between You and Me Signs Etsy shop)

As I read it my breath literally caught in my chest and my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. In that moment, I was reminded of the many "God moments" I just wrote about. I thought of how my story began. Humbled by the many times I cried out to Jesus and He faithfully bent down to listen.  How patiently He drew me to himself when I knew no better and desperately needed a rescuer. Oh God, I will pray to You as long as I have breath.

Then, I looked up the verse in my own Bible. The NIV said this:
 

God turned his ear to me before I even truly knew WHO I was praying to. With so much grace and mercy, Jesus rescued me. I will call on Him as long as I live!

I love Him, because He first loved me. 

Where do you see God's fingerprints on your life?