Real is the New Black

My junior year of college, my dear friend and roommate, Lyndsey, left a card for me on my computer. In it, she assured me that she loved me and that God loved me. She called me out on my striving. She encouraged me to take my masks off...to stop pretending. I don't remember exactly what it said, but I remember exactly how it made me feel. I bristled as I read it. I was defensive and annoyed as I sat it alone in my room. I chalked it up to Lyndsey not really understanding me, when really God was using her to hit the nail on the head. He was gently whispering His words through my friend. I love you. You are approved by me. Stop striving. Find rest. Take your masks off.

By nature, I am a people pleasing, approval seeking perfectionist. I still remember where I was the first time I ever really saw Galatians 1:10. My heart was twisted up with striving and pain. It was senior year of college. Some of my closest friends had turned against me. Though my boyfriend had just proposed to me and it promised to be one of the most exciting times in my life, I was lying in my bed, feeling totally alone and heartbroken because I was rejected...unapproved. I opened my Bible and God's word pierced my heart.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

 In that moment, I understood all at once how my legitimate need for the love, approval and affection of others is too often a substitute for God.

Eight years later, I was in my happy place in Florida. Sunshine, family, swimming and....books! As I read Love Idol by Jennifer Lee Dukes, my spirit was refreshed and my mind was challenged. Basking in the refreshment and peace of vacation, all the noise and busyness of the world stripped away, and I got the message in a new way. For what felt like the first time, my eyes were opened clearly to the heart of a message God has been gently teaching me FOR YEARS.

My life is so much different now, but God hasn't changed. I was floating around the pool as my little girls napped, and once again God met me there. This time, God was using the words of Jennifer Lee Dukes. I realized that these aren't just natural tendencies that needed to change, but for the first time I saw my desire to be loved and approved by others as a deeply ingrained IDOL, something I was devoted to more than God. It wasn't just a people pleasing tendency, but a lack of trust in God and a refusal to see how much He loves me. You see the message never changed, but my ability to handle it did. My readiness to receive it was different this time. I sensed a greater urgency to grasp it at an even deeper level. It was exactly what I needed to hear to take the next step with the Lord and grow closer to Him.

God is so patient with me. He faithfully continues to put the same message before me. Sometimes I'm too stubborn to hear it. Sometimes I'm just not ready to grasp the entirety of it. But, I see it more clearly today than I did yesterday. God continues to give me the grace I need to to see His truth and walk in it. Day by day, situation by situation, I'm learning to focus less on pleasing others and more on pleasing Him. I can rest and be real because I am completely loved, approved and accepted by the only One whose opinion truly matters. Sometimes the process is slow, but God is changing me and leaving His fingerprints all over it. 

There is freedom from the NEED for approval and love from others through a relationship with Jesus. The approval I crave daily is the approval I was given when I placed my trust in Jesus. Because of Christ's death on the cross, I am fully approved, accepted and loved.  My life's purpose isn't to please others. It is to please Him and I will continue to learn how that plays out for the rest of my life!

I always have great intentions of going back through books I've highlighted and underlined and recording the things that struck me, but don't do it as often as I want to. This time I am! My heart resonated so deeply with the author's words. Here are the (LONG) list of quotes that were memorable to me in Love Idol. A record of truth being whispered to me in this season. Maybe it will help you decide whether you want to pick it up or not. If nothing else...some food for thought.

• "Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion"-Brennen Manning

• "In a world of list makers, how can we begin to live only for the Maker's list? In a world that says, 'Climb higher to be noticed,' how can we bow lower?"- pg. 11

• "It would be years before I learned that a woman can scoop up almost everything her little heart desires, while missing out entirely on what her emaciated soul really needs." -p. 17

• "While the goal of the American dream is to make much of us, the goal of the gospel is to make much of God."-David Platt

• "In the grip of the Love Idol, we are also habitually sorry for everything."-p. 22

• "The Love Idol's prey live in fear of failing to meet expectations...We cringe over the threat of disapproval, real or imagined. And we feel as if we continually need to explain away any potential flaw. My life had become a defensive posture against possible criticism." p. 23

• "Why do we always feel empty so soon after reaching some new pinnacle on whatever ladder we're climbing in this life?" - p.27

• "No one in history had more titles than Jesus, or cared less."- Bob Goff

• "We couldn't fully learn until later that our hunger after the American dream could be one way to actually starve." - p. 39

• "Too often in my life, I'd said yes to things I didn't really want to do -- for fear of disappointing someone, for fear of looking like a failure. But sometimes, a woman has to risk her approval rating by saying no." - p.43

• "Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God, your functional savior." - Martin Luther

• "You can never run away from your problems in your maddening search for peace. Peace has never been about a place. It has always been about a Person."- p. 53

• Fear camps out right next to whatever it is you're most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds...Keep going --- fear is the Chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman. - Holley Gerth

• "I dared her to get a B"- p.65

• "She would find that her mother--and the Lord--approve of her simply because she exists, not because she performed flawlessly."-p.69

• "She risked failing for the sheer joy of trying. My own daughter makes me feel brave, makes me realize that I might be able to risk my own approval rating for the sake of fuller living." - p.71

• "Life trains our brains to resist anything that might make us look stupid. But I don't want fear to be the boss of me anymore." - p.71

• "Because the moment we stop fussing over the opinions of others might be the moment we actually start living for God. Only then can we fearlessly love our neighbors, lead a Bible study, talk into a microphone, pray out loud, stand up for our beliefs, fight for the underdog, speak truth in love, write a book, or take audacious risks for the Kingdom." - p73

• "We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us." - Beth Moore

• "That's the modus operandi of the approval seeking perfectionist: Her dreams are kept secret. That way, if I do try something ridiculously brave--like writing a book--but then fail, no one will know the difference. If I try..." p.77

• "But there is a difference between having Scripture memorized and knowing it "by heart". I want my heart to know, so my heart can really live." - p.78

• "It's true: I'm not yet who I'm made to be, for I am still becoming. But equally true is this: I am not the woman I was." p.91

• "But the man who is not afraid to admit everything he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God's love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his own illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God." - Thomas Merton
• ^" How can you believe since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?"- John 5:44
•   "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

• After His grand rescue, the Redeemer does not always seal that hole shut behind us. He does not force us into relationship or bully us into repentance. Instead, He leaves us with a choice: follow Me or fall again. He invites each one of us to "pick up your mat and walk." then Jesus reminds us to "stop sinning" -- in my case, to stop worshipping the Love Idol." p.115

• "The church has done a decent job of welcoming sinners, but it frowns when we don't get better quickly. Or when we fail." p.117

• "Even the most faithful churchgoers hide their faults, which sadly contributes to our approval seeking tendencies. Let's face it: We're all sinners in those pews. But if we're not willing to show our messy sides, why should anyone else?...I suspect that is why churches are filled with approval seeking people pleasers--not only in the pews but in the pulpits. We don't want to admit we struggle, so we keep holding up the facade. Because we can't get over ourselves, and because we can't make peace with ourselves, we try instead to hide ourselves." - p.117

• "And just when I'm getting okay with not being liked, I find out that I'm wildly loved." - p.120

• "There are the times when we visit heaven before we really get there--a sort of scared "trailer" for the movie that's been showing in theaters, for, like, ever. Its proof that what we believe is real--and it's a sign that where we're going is already planted within us." - p.128

• "Heaven speaks to us, whispering the love language of our permanant home into every corner of our temporary one. And I'm learning, and re-learing, to open my eyes to their wonder--to open the shade even when it looks dark outside."-p.128

• "We have told our girls, repeatedly, that trying your best and being The Best are two very different things. We don't expect perfection; we expect only for them to give their full effort. They don't need to earn our love, they already have it." - p.139

• "Real has become our new black." p.143

• "How many people aren't able to fully experience the love of God because they're waiting for proof from a spouse or a friend that they are worthy of love? How many people are living joyless lives of paranoia because they're afraid that the public will see how messed up they really are?" -p.142

• "If the praise of man elates me and his blame depresses me; if i can not rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love...then I know nothing of Calvary love."- Amy Carmichael p.144

• "An idol is whatver you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, "if I have that, then I'll feel my life has meaning, then I'll know I have value, then I'll feel significant and secure."- Tim Keller
• ^" But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. " - 1 Corinthians 4:3

• "When you and I no longer rely on the praise or approval for our performance, we find new freedom: We can enjoy affirmation without craving it. Because it has lost it's grip on us." p.149

• "It's my pledge to be obedient, even if it means I might look like a fool. It's my way of telling God and reminding myself--that this life is about God's glory, not mine." - p.182

• The perfectionist's mantra is this: If you can't do it right the first time, don't do it at all. Let your new mantra be this: Do it anyway, even if you fall." p. 189

• "Some of our own sisters are pretending, quite convincingly, that things are "fine, just fine." But they need your hands, squeezing their hands, to let them know that they don't have to pretend anymore."-p.218 (thank you Lynds)
•  "A popular catchphrase has made the rounds through Christian circles: "Be real and authentic." That's what we say--but do we really mean it? Do we make safe places for people to be real in our faith communities? Do you want to see people's 'real'? Wht about when someone's real is mad at God? When their real is ugly? When their real can't stop crying for days, even weeks? When their real is chronic? Do you want people to be real then? If can be hard to be real because we're not convinced that people want to see it. It can be painful to let down the facade in Christian circles. I wish it weren't so, because the Christian people are our people. But it's true. I do wonder, how often have we left fellow Christians with the impression that once they're saved, they ought to get their act otgether and keep it that way?" p.219

• "We tell each other that it's safe to be authentic, but are we making nonthreatening placed for people to be less than perfect?" p.219

• "Any don't pity me on the day I die. For on that day, I will have found the approval I always wanted, and I will know right then, with certainty, that it's the approval I always had." p. 230